Beers with Highest Alcohol Per Volume (2011 edition)

Posted on February 28, 2011 by admin

8.  Mikkeller – Mikkeller Black (17.5%).  This brewery is very mysterious– it is run by Mikkel Borg Bjergsø (doesn’t the name strike suspicion already????), who collaborates with other breweries to brew batches of Mikkeller brand beers.  The brand is based out of Denmark, although this particular beer was made in Belgium– this we know.

Odds of finding it:  Moderate.  The brand is imported to the US, in particular to the east coast, but unlike the brewer, it shouldn’t be too hard to track down.

7. Grand Lake Brewing Company – Grand Lake Holy Grail (20%).  Based in Colorado,this Jesus-or-Monty-Python-inspired beer will get you very drunk, very quickly (at a considerable price, of course).

Odds of finding it:  Moderate.  Although not widely released, you can buy it through the Grand Lake website– $65 a bottle, plus shipping.

6. Dogfish Head Brewery – 120 Min IPA ( 21%).  This East Coast American Brewer has been cooking up limited releases of their 120 Minute IPA every few months.  ABV of these vary– some were as high as 21%, but some others have been a little less (around 18%).

Odds of finding it:  Hard.  If the timing is right though, you can probably even buy it from their website.  Like most of these beers, it’s supply and demand.  You could always pick up their 90 min IPA in the meantime — readily available and one of the world’s best IPAs (9.0% ABV)

5. Boston Beer Company – Sam Adams Utopias (27%).  Sam Adams has been making some of the highest concentrated ABV beers before it was cool.  Each year since 2004, they have release a limited supply of Utopia– a strong but very drinkable “extreme” beer.

Odds of finding it:  Hard.  The 2011 expected release date will be in May.  Bottles cost upwards of $150 US.  If you are lucky, you can even find it in a store, even if the store is a 600 mile drive away.  Cross your fingers, you may be able to find it online!!

4. Brewery Hakusekikan – Hakusekikan Eisbock (28%).  Based out of Japan, this brewery’s batches of Eisbock have gotten progressively higher.  They have released a 25% and 28%, but the beers have since been retired.  Perhaps if there is a new one, I would expect the next Eisbock to continue this trend.

Odds of finding it:  Next to Impossible.  Released only in Japan, if you can find it on tap at the right time, buy a lottery ticket too.  The closest thing from this brewer you might find with a high ABV– Hurricane (15%).

3.  Brew Dog – Tactical Nuclear Penguin (32%).  More of a PR stunt than anything else, Brew Dog released a very limited and expensive supply of Tactical Nuclear Penguin.  The promos featured simulated penguin sex.  It should be no surprise to you that this brewery is based out of Scotland.

Odds of finding it: Nearly Impossible.  Unless you are an extreme billionaire (aka Branson) you will not get your hands on this beer, nor the next two highest ABV champs.  Only a small batch was released, I’m sure all the bottles were purchased by now, and it was very expensive.

2.  Kleinbrauerei Schorschbrau – Schorschbrau Schorschbock 40% (40% duh).  Not to be outdone, this unpronounceable German brewery upped the ante for world’s strongest beer last summer.  After all, Germany invented Octoberfest.

Odds of finding it:  Almost impossible.  Although the original batch was long since bought up, odds are good (just like Sam Adams and Hakusekikan) they will rebatch similar beers with the same (if not higher) alcohol content.  I’d expect though you will need a passport and a plane ticket to Germany, along with some perfect timing to ever taste it though.

1.  Brew Dog – Sink the Bismark (41%).  The latest winner of the Highest ABV Game, which has now almost become a rivalry between Scotland and Germany, probably is much more reminiscent of scotch than beer.

Odds of finding it:  Nearly impossible.  Just like Penguin, Bismark was a very expensive and very limited release.

Bonus #1: Brew Dog – The End of History (55%).  Technically holding the world record, only 12 bottles of this brew were ever made.  You would have to bong 20 or so MGDs to match the ABV– although the MGDs would be significantly cheaper.  The brewery sold these bottles at $800 US a piece– who knows what the unopened bottles are worth now.  And sticking to the Brew Dog sense of humor, taxidermists sewed the bottles into dead animals.  Cheers!

Odds of finding it:  Are you Charles Branson yet?

Posted in Drunk, Lists | Leave a comment

Life Lessons I Have Learned From Saved By the Bell

Posted on February 24, 2011 by admin

1.  Drugs and alcohol, even in the slightest of moderation, can ruin your life.
I can recall with venomous precious exactly how horrifying drugs and alcohol were portrayed on Saved By the Bell.  And no, I don’t mean real drugs or alcohol– that stuff is for crazy homeless people– I mean specifically beer, pot, and caffeine.  Examples include:

1 beer (possibly less) = a wasted drunk driving accident.
1 joint = turns you from a movie rockstar into an unacceptable social pariah (might as well have beaten up a gay biracial child with his own wheelchair)
Caffeine = Crack Rocks+Heroine (this explains why Starbucks are always in the most dangerous neighborhoods)

2.  Caring about the environment is important, but doing something about it is much less important.
Before there was “going green”, there was Jessie Spano.  Her feminist voice regularly denounced two things over and over again; gender inequality and how important the environment is.  We even learned firsthand the consequences– after Big Oil drills at Bayside, which yields untold large sums of money– but after an accident, a few geese die.  Plus the oil derrick is totally ugly!  Maybe in 1993 school funding in California wasn’t a problem?  All I know is in today’s world, principles would actively curb-stomping ducks with their own feet if that meant they wouldn’t have to cut the music program.  The point is that we learn, on several occasions, that hurting “Mother Earth” is a terrible consequence.  Remember the ice age??  Excess CO2 from Cavemen.  Therefore it is important to “care” about the environment.

However, doing something positive for the environment is completely unnecessary.  This is because there will always be a “Jessie Spano” to do all the hard work; to spend their weekends separating recyclables, protesting deforestation, planting trees, cleaning rivers, picking up litter– sure, we have to listen to her prattle on about how important nature is, bringing it up every chance she gets (akin to vegetarians) but its a small price to pay for actions that at least make the world seem like a cleaner place.

3.  Lockers Don’t Lock.
 Why are they called lockers then anyway?  And what’s the deal with Dan Quayle and airline food?

4.  Sex??? I’ve never heard of it.
Yeah, I’ve dated/kissed a lot of girls.  Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, Tori, the kindof hot Jersey wife from King of Queens, that female wrestler, that girl outside of “The Attic”, and that homeless girl (actual episode).  What is this sex you speak of?  Do you mean making out?  Yeah, I know what that is, although you’ve never seen me make out with someone, it’s inferred.   I also make a lot of sexist remarks towards the objectivity of women.

5.  Gay??? I’ve never heard of it.
Whoa bro, just because I’ve never had sex (still not sure what you mean by that anyway) doesn’t mean I’m gay (not sure if this is an insult, but the way you said it makes me think it is, at least toward me).  Gay is two people of the same gender MAKING OUT????  Why would they do that when there’s so many hot chicks with scrunchies and neon colored jumpsuits all over Bayside?!

6.  Spending the night in a mall = awesome.
No arguments here.  Additional backup proof = the 2004 remake of “Dawn of the Dead”.

7.  Magic is cool.
I have two words for you– “The Max“.  The coolest restaurant around– because ever since a group of Valley kids left poop in the urinal at the Applebee’s, it’s the only place that lets teenagers hang out with  essentially ordering almost nothing– well, besides the Caribou Coffee, except the managing barista watches us from the moment we walk in, endlessly waiting for a joke told too loud or a plant knocked over– anything as an excuse to kick us out.  The owner is a magician.  How cool is that?  It’s weird how popular this place is, and yet, it seems like we’ve had to save it from closing over 600 times.

8.  High School are the best years of your life.
Obviously you’ve never gone to college.

Posted in Humor, Nostalgia | Leave a comment

The Gayest Songs That Have Snuck Their Way Into My MP3 Player (by year)

Posted on February 18, 2011 by admin

2011 – Lady Gaga – Born This Way
Rationalization:  She’s not going anywhere, might as well embrace the next Madonna.

2010 – Ke$ha – Tik Tok
Rationalization:  If I was drunk and high and single and there was nothing on TV, I would have sex with her in a dark closet if she promised to shower first.

2009 – Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA
Rationalization:  Well, I can’t use the classic guy excuse “she’s hot”– because she was 17 at the time– kind of crossing the line into jailbait here… so I’m going to pretend it’s because I got it “stuck in my head” and its not THAT bad of a song.

2008 – Soulja Boy – Yah!!!
Rationalization:  You’re what the kids like right?  I’m not getting too old am I?  I’m still current.  You kids want some Silly Bands?  Did you hear about Heath Ledger?  OMG he was in “A Knights Tale”.  Also why are you ignoring my friend request?

2007 – Hurricane Chris – Ay Bay Bay
Rationalization:  It’s catchy, am I right?  Ay Bay Bay.  These are the only words in the song correct?

2006 – Fergie – Fergalicious
Rationalization:  Fergie’s kindof hot in the right light…

2005 – Nickelback – Rockstar, Black Eyed Peas – My Humps, Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl
Rationalization:  Sure, we can listen to what you want to, honey.  *cringe* no these songs are *twitch* … alright.  Can I buy you dinner again?  You don’t have to have sex with me.

2004 – Eamon – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)
Rationalization:  Girls are sooooo dumb, I don’t get them, fuck it, I don’t need them, this guy GETS IT.  Girls are just a bunch of ho’s and tricks.

2003 – Hoobastank – The Reason, Simple Plan – Addicted
Rationalization:  I’m soooooo hopelessly in love with you but I’m too pathetic to make a move on you.  Maybe the soundtrack in my $1200 car will help you understand my feelings?
(Switch to CDs now)

2002 – J Lo – Jenny From the Block
Rationalization:  We did a lot of stupid things as youths, am I right??

2001 – Crazy Town – Butterfly
Rationalization:  Much like Limp Bizkit and Coolio, they did not stand up to the test of time.  Also they only had one successful single.

2000 – Papa Roach – Last Resort
Rationalization:  As a teenager, I’ve discovered my newest favorite emotion (behind lustful masturbation) — unfounded depression.

1999 – Will Smith – Miami
Rationalization:  None needed, this song is awesome.

1998 – Bared Naked Ladies – One Week
Rationalization:  It could’ve been worse.  I could have put “Who Let the Dogs Out” on a CD instead.

1997 – R Kelly – I Believe I Can Fly
Rationalization:  Going to blame Michael Jordan and Space Jam on this one.

1996 – Theme from Mission Impossible
Rationalization:  My closest thing my generation had to jazz music.

1995 – Anything from the Jock Jams CD
Rationalization:  Got me pumped up for little league.

Songs that infected the airwaves, crossed over to almost every genre, movie trailer, and TV commerical, and were too terrible to ever consider ever listening to on purpose (by year), yet they were all very popular, so someone HAD to be listening to them ON PURPOSE.

2011 – Bruno Mars – Grenade
2010 – Train – Hey Soul Sister
2009 – Iyaz – Replay
2008 – Jonas Brothers – When You Look Me In the Eyes
2007 – Plain White Tees – Hey There Delilah
2006 – James Blunt – You’re Beautiful
2005 – Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl
2004 – U2 – Vertigo (also Green Day’s American Idiot)
2003 – Black Eyed Peas – Where is the Love?
2002 – Lifehouse – Spin
2001 – O Town – Liquid Dreams
2000 – Creed – With Arms Wide Open
1999 – Ricky Martin – Livin Da Vida Loca
1998 – Baha Men – Who Let the Dogs Out
1997 – Aqua – Barbie Girl ; or Spice Girls – Wannabe ; or Hanson – MMMBop (it was a bad year for eardrums)
1996 – Los Del Rio – Macarena
1995 – TLC – Waterfalls

Posted in Embarrassment, Humor | Leave a comment

What Your Cell Phone Says About You

Posted on February 17, 2011 by admin

LG Migo.  OMG MY FIRST CELL PHONE!!! Oh, it’s kind of a cell phone. K, thanks, i guess….

iPhone.  I was using Apple Products BEFORE they were cool.  Do you want to see every picture I’ve ever taken in my life or play Angry Birds?  We can also do the exact same things on my IPad, even though it’s more expensive, large, cannot make calls, and I cracked my screen within the first week I owned it when it slipped out of my messenger bag at a non-chain coffee shop.

Droid.  My days of texting and driving are over, officially.  Well, maybe not, …..SHIT!

Blackberry Curve/Storm/Whatever.  This QWERTY keypad will never leave my cold dead hands.  Since I also wear business casual clothes, no matter where I go, it appears I am always doing something important; even though I’m just playing Brick-Breaker or checking Facebook AGAIN.  Hey, why did you shove me? Oh, I’m walking into oncoming traffic again.

All other Smart Phones.  Yeah, I was GOING to get a better-marketed phone, but I’d have to pay a lot of money to switch/break my contract.  It’s still pretty cool.  Check it out, you can still play Tiger Woods Golf.  You still like me right?

Prepaid Phones.  I’m not a drug dealer.  I have no friends.

Virgin Mobile Phones.  No one owns these.

Crazy-key Chain Sequence Accessories.  I’m either a 9 year old girl with a Hello Kitty fetish or I’m on a TLC show about a strange animal/toilet paper-eating addiction.

Bluetooth.  Asshole Douche-bag prick motherfucker.

“Free” Upgrade Phone.  This will probably give me a brain tumor or testicular cancer, but I’m also pretty cheap.  Honey, let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day AFTER Valentine’s Day.  Flowers and chocolates are 50% off.  Do you really want to celebrate on the same day everyone else does?  We’ll have our own special holiday!  Does Red Lobster take reservations?  Why are you crying again?

Zach Morris Aged Cell Phone.  IT STILL MAKES CALLS DOESN’T IT? I DON’T NEED TO TEXT.  WHO AM I GOING TO TEXT WHEN I CAN JUST CALL THEM?  IT TAKES TWO HOURS TO HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATION.  YOU KIDS MAKE NO SENSE.

Cell Phone on a Belt Clip.  Clearly I am over 40, white, and my shirt is also tucked into my jeans.

Jitterbug.  My son got this for me but I have no idea how to use this.  Can’t you just call on the house phone?

Life Alert.  I am going to pretend I know how to use this or else the next step for me is the nursing home.

Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

How to Prevent a Hangover

Posted on February 15, 2011 by admin

STEP 1:  Drink fluids (that are better than water).  The most common prevention of hangovers is to stay hydrated right?  We should all know that alcohol is a diuretic– it causes your body to lose water.

Alcohol is consumed and quickly enters the bloodstream– no digestion necessary.  This release of alcohol also causes your brain to stop producing a chemical necessary to the process of water retention.  Without this chemical, your kidneys send water to the bladder directly instead of absorbing it in your body like you are supposed to– this causes one to “break the seal”– it’s why you have to pee so many times after– your body is dehydrating itself.  The next day, you have a killer headache because you’re at such a negative water loss, your body is pulling water from your skull in a lame attempt to replenish your other water-dependent organs.

Should you go one-for-one with water to alcohol? In my opinion, there are better choices than water.  H2O does not replenish the other nutrients lost during urination– like sodium, magnesium, and potassium.

Instead, prep to party with a Gatorade or Powerade.  Heck, you have even make it your mixer (perhaps Everclear with Riptide Rush?).  Using fruit juices as mixers is a much better idea in my opinion– drinking a glass of water with every beer?  It just makes you feel bloated and sloshy.

STEP 2:  Eat. Again, not much of a secret, but drinking on a full stomach deludes the absorption of alcohol– thus giving your body more time to break down the toxins.  Sure it may take longer to feel the effects of alcohol (and what person on a college budget hasn’t skipped a meal so they could get drunk quicker and cheaper), but ultimately, you’ll still get drunk, and you won’t feel as shitty the next day.  Eating fatty foods helps line the stomach — or for the health conscious, consider a smoothie (keeps you hydrated too).

STEP 3:  Stick with one Drink– It’s true, mixing liquors and you may pay for it.  Each alcohol has a specific set of toxins– mixing a bunch together makes your body work that much harder to clear out the poison.

STEP 4:  Drink clear booze– darker alcohols, like red wine or bourbon have more congeners– a science word for toxins– the more toxins in the booze, the longer it takes your body to remove them– and the stronger possibility of a hangover.

STEP 5:  Cut down on Carbonation– Carbonation speeds up the alcohol absorption, giving less time for your body to sort out the bad stuff– even though there is less alcohol in beer, if you pound beer after beer after beer, you could cause a hangover.  Furthermore, this is why my #1 Drinking Commandment “Beer Before Liquor, never been sicker” reins true.  Having a few beers ramps up the absoprtion of alcohol in your blood– then chase that with a handful of shots– a concentrated dose of alcohol is now ready to fly through your veins on a highway of bubbly carbonation.  Your body can’t keep up with eliminating toxins at the jacked-up rate of absorption, thus creating a toxic buildup, which later translates into puking in a handicapped stall of a Denny’s bathroom, crying, and swearing off drinking forever if you survive this humiliation.

STEP 6:  Pop some Pills (the right kind).  Painkillers and booze are a deadly mix right?  Won’t your liver explode?  You eventually may cause damage to your liver if you take something like Excedrin.  Acetaminophen is the key ingredient linked to alcohol and liver damage.  But you can take aspirin– as long as it is acetaminophen-free and also caffeine-free (because like alcohol, caffeine is a diuretic).  Pop a couple of these aspirins before bed with a glass of agua.

STEP 7:  The Best Hangover Prevention? Don’t Drink.  FUCK THAT NOISE.  If I wanted bullshit advice I would have asked for it.  I hate it when snarky news columnists end similar articles with this little quip of fake advice.  You know what I’m talking about– What’s the best method of sexual birth control?  Don’t have sex.  What’s the safest way to travel?  Stay at home.  This retarded attempt at somewhat tongue-in-cheek advice doesn’t solve the problem, it just says you won’t have this problem if you are never faced with the possibility of this problem.

You wouldn’t end an article called “How to keep in positive during colon cancer treatment” with “The best way to avoid being upset with colon cancer? Don’t get colon cancer.”  No shit.  Pun intended.

Posted in Drunk | Leave a comment

How To Make Vodka at home (and with Bacon, Skittles, and Gummi Bears)

Posted on February 11, 2011 by admin

Making your own vodka is similar to brewing your own beer or bottling your own wine– in a sense, it’s time-consuming, somewhat more expensive than buying it, and a lot can go wrong.  But nothing beats the satisfaction of a job well done.  The most expensive piece of equipment you will need is a pressure cooker.  Make your own vodka at home.

Whether you make your own vodka, buy it from the State Liquor Agency, or hire a hobo to buy it for you at the State Liquor Agency, you can make some unique vodka infusions rather easily at home.  I recommended the cheaper stuff– something along the lines of Smirnoff will do just fine, but nothing lower than Aristocrat and the like.  The rule: if you put it in the freezer, and it freezes, it’s truly shitty vodka. How to Infuse Your Vodka at Home (Bacon!)

If Halloween is more your style, consider candy as a infusion.  Although I can see this being popular in the hot college sorority crowd, I can also see this used as a pedophile date rape potion.  Taste the alcoholic rainbow here.   Another popular candy that can also fit both descriptions?  Gummi Bears Vodka Infusions.

Another good idea? Combine the salty, savory bacon vodka WITH the Skittles or Gummi Bears for a savory/sweet vodka!

Posted in Drunk | Leave a comment

A Typical Conversation at Whole Foods

Posted on February 10, 2011 by admin

A slim middle-aged mom in $300 Yoga Pants (Annabel), and her small child (Atticus) bump into an older-aged college art professor (Frances).

Annabel: Frances!

Frances:  Oh hey ‘Bell! How are you?

* hugs *

Frances:  Are you still sticking to your gluten-free diet plan?

Annabel: Yeah I’m doing well with it!  At first it was kind of hard giving up quinoa, and little Atticus misses his organic whole-wheat Cereal O’s, but it’s for the best!

Frances:  I know what you mean, I just started a 21 day full-body cleanse, nothing but lemon juice and uncooked edamame shells.  How was Europe?

Annabel:  Oh my goodness, amazing!  They are so culturally-forward there!  Sometimes I wish me and Attitcus and my significant other could just pick up and move overseas, so I can really pursue my art.  I posted pictures on my mom blog.

Frances:  Neat, tweet me the link!  Did you hear that awful story about Taco Bell’s beef content?!

Annabel:  Just confirms what we already knew after Food Inc!  Corporations at their finest!  This is why one in four children will have diabetes by age 12.

Frances:  Ha, well at least their beef is only 40% murder now!

Annabel: (laughs) Seriously though, when are people going to learn that consuming meat severely impacts our carbon footprint?  It’s so ignorant.

Frances:  I know, it’s like people like us have to work twice as hard to reduce our sustainability to make up for everyone else!  That’s why I converted to Treeganism.

Annabel:  Treeganism?

Frances:  Oh ‘Bell, you should totally aim to be Treegan.  It’s like a focused Vegan lifestyle, you only consume products that grow on roots or trees.  I was skyping with my one of my teaching associates in Portland Oregon, and he told me about all the new sects of Veganism that are sweeping the west coast.

Annabel:  Like the raw foods diet?

Frances:  Yeah, but way more dedicated.  There’s Treegan, but there’s also Creegan, only eating vegetation that’s derived from creeks, you know algae, pebbles, lillypads and the like—and there’s Seagans, only eating vegetation from the ocean, like seaweed and plankton. And there’s even something really underground called Post-Stickism, where you only eat Coexist and Ironic Bumper stickers.

Annabel:  Wow, no wonder they are so healthy out there!  This town is so backwards sometimes.  We just got a farmer’s market last year.

Frances:  Do you have an iPhone?  There’s a great free app you can download for Treeganism meal plans.

Annabel:  I do (looks through purse)… oh shoot, that’s right, I left it charging in my Prius.

Frances:  Darn, oh well.  How’s little Atticus there?

Annabel:  Oh my gosh, a mess, he’s been out of control the last few days because his sugar intake is through the roof.  He found half-eaten packet of M&Ms on the ground at the playground, and he’s been wound up ever since.

Frances:  White sugar is the devil.  He’s three now right?

Annabel:  Yes, in two weeks.  We are taking him to Pre-K enrollment next week.

Frances:  Sacred Woods or Paramount Academy?

Annabel:  Paramount.

Frances:  Good, I heard that Sacred Woods still uses toys and plastics imported from China.

Annabel:  I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, doctors are going to find out that polycarbonate plastic and phthalates cause autism.  And chemical preservatives cause colon cancer.

Frances:  Well, it’s just big business trying to stifle the truth.  Cigarettes had the same rep! Look at them now!

Annabel:  (laughs) That’s true!  Well, I’d better get back to shopping, Atticus is getting anxious to get back home so we can read some Chuck Palahniuk before naptime!

Frances:  Nice catching up ‘Bell!  Oh, wait, are you and the hubby still going to open mic night at that new indie-new-age-ironically-named coffee shop LL Beans?

Annabel:  We sure are! Our au pair has the kids on weekdays!

Frances:  Great, my life partner and I will be there too!  Can’t wait!!  Later ‘Bell!

Annabel:  Ciao!

Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

8 of the Worst Turnoffs in Porno Movies

Posted on February 9, 2011 by admin

1.  Guys Finishing Themselves.  This is the worst because as you, the home viewer, completely envy this guy’s job at this very moment.  He is plowing through two of the hottest girls ever, but when it comes time for the money shot, he finishes the same way you do, jerking himself off.  It’s kind of like if I had a really rich friend that liked to burn $100 bills in front of me.

2.  Bad Tattoos. Although subjective, we can agree there are a lot of bad tattoos in porn.  Dragons, tribal tramp stamps, butterflies, dolphins.  This is because people in general get a lot of stupid tattoos, and there is no way to hide them when you’re naked.  Although I am surprised airbrushing them out is not used more often.  The tattoo becomes a distraction, like a piece of spinach stuck in your friend’s teeth, and you just can’t focus on what’s going on.

3. Creepers. While stunt cocks come in all shapes and sizes, there are a few breeds of creepers that can almost ruin one of the hottest videos.  These guys are so disgusting, so trashy, or so creepy, that the scene loses all of its credibility– no girl this hot would ever have sex with this thinly-mustached white trash sex offender.

4.  Acting. Although secretly I admire the terrible scripture that accompanies porn, its almost completely unnecessary.

Clearly when purchasing porn, we did not buy it for the story.  Why bother dragging out the process?  We know the ending already, why prolong it?  Here’s why; to ad run time to the movie; and suddenly, a 2-hour DVD has turned to a 1:15 hour DVD, because 45 minutes have been turned into an Intro to Theater community college class.

5. Unexpected fetishes.  There are a lot of weird fetishes that I personally have no interest in– and you probably don’t either.  But these extreme categories are clearly marked on sites– the movies with pissing and transsexuals are far removed from the more mainstream sections.  However, nothing is worse than when you watch a video, thinking and expecting normal porn, and it takes an almost instant violent wrong turn– and all of a sudden, you are mid-stroke deep watching girls with dicks drinking cumfarts out of martini glasses

6. Porn Parodies.  Porn has had a longstanding relationship with the spoof industry but I can’t understand why.  It’s just like when you complain about American Cinema patrons being stupid enough to buy tickets to Meet the Spartans or Epic Movie.  Well, it’s because SOMEONE KEEPS BUYING THEM.  There have been zero movies or TV shows that I have seen where I wished, “Man, I would really want to see a shoestring budget shot-for-shot remake where the original cast was replaced by HPV-positive actors that barely-resembled them and would just have sex with each other.”

There’s no reason to ever reboot every 90s sitcom as a porno.

7. Softcore. This one makes no sense to me because I can’t understand the target demographic.  Who wants to watch pretend sex?  Are there really lame married couples who’s wife is too prude to watch real sex, so they have to rent the Cinemax version of pornography you haven’t jerked off to since you were 12?

8.  Cum-Dodgers. THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE YOUR MONEY DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!

Posted in Humor, Lists, Sexual Content | Leave a comment

How to Spend the Super Bowl puking and stealing

Posted on February 8, 2011 by admin

5:50pm.  Crack open a 4-Loko Fruit Punch.  I don’t get all the 4Loko hype by the way.  I think it was because they were hyped up so much; when I heard about them, I expected to take one sip and immediately become Mike Tyson on PCP.  I expected to get a public intox for smashing out the windows to a police car and become resistant to pepper spray and tazers.

5:55pm.  Everyone wants to leave.  I am smart enough not to drive– being psychic, I already know how the night is going to end.  I pour the rest of my 4Loko into an inconspicuous orange juice carton.  It was genius, because on the off chance we were pulled over, the police officer definitely would not be suspicious of a man drinking from a large carton of juice. /sarcasm

6:20pm.  Arrive at the party.  It is our work’s annual holiday party, so the first 4 drinks are free.

6:21pm.  Buy Get my first drink, Grey Goose and Orange Juice.  The bartender takes my drink very literally and puts warm vodka in a shot glass and splashes orange juice on top, without ice.  I question if she’s every worked at a bar before.  Part of me feels stupid for getting Grey Goose, because as a former bartender, its true in a blind taste test, you could never tell the different between Grey Goose and Absolut and Sky and Smirnoff and the $6-a-bottle stuff from the grocery store.  Add a mixer or ice, and you REALLY can’t tell.  How many times has a bar I worked at sold a customer a $9 martini with gas station vodka?  Too many to count.  And they never get sent back.  Never.  Its amazing really.

The reason why I got it?  Because its more expensive and I wanted my vomit to have a higher resale value.

6:22pm.  First drink is gone.  Repeat my order, this time I clarify “with ice”.

6:30pm.  Second drink is gone.  I watch Janice from the Muppet’s Electric Mayhem botch the lyrics to the National Anthem.

6:40pm.  I watch about three minutes of actual gameplay– Steelers go 3 and out.  I’m not from Pittsburgh or Green Bay and have no money bet on the game, so the outcome for me personally is meaningless.  I decide I am way too sober and I have two free drink tickets left, which is way more important.  This is the last point where I actually watch the game.

6:45pm.  Third drink down.  I discover Air Hockey downstairs and win against six straight opponents, mostly because no one calls me out for cheating.  I am the best.  I am the LeBron James of Air Hockey.

7:30pm.  I’m out of drink tickets.  I beg for an extra drink ticket from the person in charge of the party.

7:35pm.  I’m out of drink tickets.  I remember I brought an extra beer in the car we drove it.  I put in a Sprite can.  Again, because I am a genius, because guys always drink cans of sprite in the back of bar parking lots on Super Bowl Sunday.

7:50pm.  A friend is nice enough to use a drink ticket for me.  I switch to beer at this point because I’m hoping at this point to coast on being drunk the rest of the night– not black out.

8:00pm.  Things start to get hazy.  I am dethroned at air hockey.  I am the Cleveland Cavaliers of Air Hockey now.

8:15pm.  I may have picked up a stranger’s half finished beer but was drunk enough to convince myself it’s mine.

8:30pm.  Out of drink tickets and not wanting to spend money, I sniff out someone with weed.  There are four of us in the car.  The white guy in the car wants use to smoke out of a homemade toilet paper roll pipe.  What?  The black guy in the car has perfectly rolled blunts ready to go.  Thank you.

9:00pm.  I realize that I missed most of the Super Bowl, but not really.  Two teams I don’t really care are playing in between half-hour blocks of cross promotion and advertising.  If you are a person that watches the Super Bowls for the “commercials”, you probably also drive a Ford Taurus.  If you are a person who watches the Puppy Bowl instead, you probably should just kill yourself.

9:05pm.  I’m happy because I realized I didn’t see one second of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.  I didn’t have to see it to know the next day everyone on the internet was going to rip it apart.  WHO ARE THE PEOPLE THAT KEEP BUYING BLACK EYED PEAS ALBUMS?????  Do they all live in a state that I have never been to?  No one I know has ever been like “Alright!” when the Black Eyed Peas are on the radio.  And no matter how many times I ‘thumbs down’ their songs on Pandora, BUT THEY KEEP PLAYING THEM ANYWAY.  It’s almost like we are forced to listen to them– on any radio station, on TV commercials, movie trailers, dance clubs– they have the world’s best marketing team.

10:00pm.  Things are getting hazy now, but I’m still drinking someone’s beer.

12:30am.  I’m officially wasted.

1:00am.  I pass out on the stairs.

???am.  I’m dragged to a car.  My friend and I are almost the last two to leave.  My boss is still there waiting for a ride, because her keys have gone missing.  I am too drunk to help in her search.  Apparently they even went as far as having the staff search the trash for them.  I remember none of this.

???am.  I puke several times in the parking garage to my apartment complex, leaving a trail from the car to the elevator.

???am.  I still take out my contacts.  I remember none of this.

11:17am.  I wake up, not nearly as sick as I suspected I would feel.  I also learned that I apparently I also had stolen my supervisor’s car keys from her. They were discovered in my back pocket by my friend at 3AM.  I do not recall this at all or can even think of any motivation to steal them.

Work will be fun tomorrow.

Posted in Drunk, Embarrassment, Humor | Leave a comment

Amusement Park Bingo

Posted on February 4, 2011 by admin
  • Neon-Colored Fanny Pack
  • Bad Tattoo (calf)
  • Bad Tattoo (shoulder)
  • Bad Tattoo (lower back)
  • Ride Operator Who Couldn’t Be More Bored
  • Too-much-PDA teenage couple
  • Socks with sandals
  • Reasonably priced merchandise
  • Reasonably Healthy Food
  • Non-minority sweeper
  • American Flagged Themed Clothing
  • Child being denied on a ride (too short)
  • Overweight person having the ride attendant help lock the lap bar, it takes a few tries but ultimately the person is not kicked off the ride.
  • Flirting between male and female ride attendants
  • Shirt tucked into Jean Shorts
  • Cell Phone Belt Clip
  • Visor
  • NASCAR Shirt
  • Rollercoaster-related Shirt
  • Inappropriate On-Ride Rollercoaster Picture (usually flicking off the camera or nudity)
  • On-Ride Rollercoaster Picture You Actually Look Ok In
  • Jean Short Cutoffs
  • Extremely Sunburned Bald Man
  • Child crying on ride
  • Dad who takes Bumper Cars too seriously
  • Person desperately fanning themselves to stay cool
  • Ride attendant who’s first language is English
  • A place with very refreshing air conditioning
  • Product Placement
  • Person arguing with teenage ride attendant
  • Looney Tunes themed clothing
  • Dude in Sleeveless White Wife-Beater
  • Extreme Tan Lines
  • Easily Visible Thong
  • Novelty T-Shirt
  • Sickly Pale Person
  • Oakley Mirrored/Rainbow Sunglasses
  • Identically Dressed Families
  • Impromptu Mascot Electric Slide Dance
  • Girl Who Wears a Bikini as a Top
  • Mom waiting by a ride exit with a stroller
  • Person Who did not get wet on a water ride
  • Person Who Looks Miserable after a water ride
  • Vomit (on the ground)
  • Spilled Soda (on the ground)
  • Asian Family Taking Pictures of things you would never take pictures of
  • PINK or other text on the ass of Victoria’s Secret Pajama Pants
  • Electric Scooter
  • Dude Who Thinks He’s Bad Ass Because He Left the sticker/tags on his baseball cap
  • Any fashion inspired by Kayne West (Ye’s, in particular)
  • Group of Kids running to get back in line as quickly as possible
  • Texting (while on a ride)
  • Parents Using Walkie Talkies
  • Ride Theming that is borderline offensive to the culture its representing
  • Crocs
Posted in Humor | Leave a comment